Raven's Cry
by Riverthorne18
Summary: Maybe Geralt was right, about her being a bad mother. Maybe she isn't cut out for this. Maybe a sorceress like her is not mean to be a mother. After all, she only bring pain to those around her. "You mistook the stars reflected in the pond for the night sky."
1. Chapter 1

**RAVEN'S CRY**

Hello ! This is my first attempt of writing The Witcher fanfiction. I played the game, I read the books. My favorite character, is of course, none other than Yennefer of Vengerberg. I like Ciri too, but I hate what they did to her in the game. You see, in the book, Yennefer and Ciri's relationship was quite adorable. And sweet. Ciri even called Yen Mother, and Yen, of course, saw her as her daughter. But we saw nothing of the sort in the game tho. What a shame.

Takes place after Vesemir's death. Combination between the books and the game.

* * *

Yennefer felt drained. She's been working non-stop with her magic for the past few days, and her head felt like it's going to explode. Magic comes with a price. Every spell she casted has an effect to her body. She's been casting enormous spells non-stop for days and now her whole body felt numb.

The portals. Necromancy spell. Saving Avallac'h. The barrier.

The last spell failed, though. And she blames herself for it. She promised those in Kaer Morhen that the barrier would last. For Geralt. For Ciri. And for their family in Kaer Morhen.

And she let the barrier fall. Putting those that she promised would be safe in danger. Geralt frozen. Ciri almost captured. Vesemir's death. And she remembered Ciri's scream. Her cry of anguish.

And Ciri blamed herself, while it wasn't even Ciri's fault. Yennefer hated herself for making Ciri felt that way.

Despite all her efforts to keep Ciri safe and unhurt, in the end, she always end up hurting Ciri.

Yennefer felt like a failure. Maybe Geralt was right, about her being a bad mother. Maybe she isn't cut out for this. Maybe a sorceress like her is not mean to be a mother. After all, she only bring pain to those around her. Geralt. Ciri. How many time has she caused them pain ? How many times has she failed them both ?

She sat on her bed, cradling her head between her hands. She was trembling, whether it's from exhaustion or grief, she couldn't tell anymore.

There's no sight more pathetic than a sorceress in tears, but she couldn't stop the tears from falling. She didn't want to cry. She hated feeling like this. The guilt was eating her up.

She felt a soft hand on her back. Geralt. Shit, she didn't hear his footstep coming, she didn't want anyone to see her like this. Not now. Especially not Geralt.

"Yen ? Hey, what's wrong ?"

Yen didn't look up, head still cradled between her hands. She felt Geralt sitting down beside her.

"Nothing, Geralt. I need some time alone, please."

"Yen."

"Geralt. Please."

"Fine." He kissed her head. "Come down and have dinner with us when you're ready ? You haven't been eating and I know you must be exhausted. I don't want you to get sick." Geralt's voice was soft and full of concern. Yennefer felt guilty for going to decline, but she really need some time alone. Plus, she couldn't stay alone in this room that long, it's also Geralt's quarter, after all. Geralt needs to rest.

Also, Yennefer assumed that nobody wanted her there except Geralt. Lambert and Eskel hated her. Maybe Vesemir too. She didn't blame them, though. She wasn't exactly likeable. She didn't want to ruin their evening by showing up. Especiallly when she was the cause of Vesemir's death.

And, as much as it pained her to admit it, she felt like sometimes, Ciri hated her too. Back when Ciri was a kid and Yennefer was still her mentor, they were close, like a real mother and daughter. But now, she wasn't so sure anymore. Ciri didn't even said anything to her when they reunited in Kaer Morhen. She didn't blame her, though. She understand that she's been putting her daughter in danger for so many times, it's understandable if Ciri resented her.

Then she remembered that time when Geralt was stabbed and dying in Ciri's arm. Yennefer and Triss was assaulted in the village nearby, but Ciri had bolted off to find Geralt. She and Triss barely survived, and when they finally caught up to Ciri, she saw Geralt dying. She hurried to him and casted the healing spell. At first, the spell wasn't doing much, because of her wounds and her depleted energy, but she tried. She tried harder every second, she tried so hard that her head was spinning and her hands were trembling on Geralt's abdomen soaked in blood. Her hands were full of Geralt's blood.

Then Ciri said, "Your magic isn't doing anything, Yennefer. What good is your magic if you can't save him ?"

That stung.

In the end, Geralt was saved, though. It took longer than she expected but she finally closed the gaping wound, which felt like forever. Then Yennefer passed out afterwards.

She woke up two days later, with Geralt beside her and tending to her wounds.

She shook her head and buried her memory.

"Thank you, Geralt. But I'm fine. I'm going to take a walk outside." She stood up, cupped Geralt's head and kissed his forehead.

"Eat dinner, and make sure Ciri does too." And walked to the door.

She stopped on the doorstep for a second, turned her head to look at Geralt.

"I'm sorry. I really am." Then she walked out, closing the door behind her without waiting for his answer.

* * *

Geralt was staring at the door. Dumbfounded.

Yennefer was sorry ?

Geralt noticed something was wrong when he found her in their quarter, slumped in the corner of the bed, and clearly shaking.

And when he sat down beside her, he knew that she had been crying. He wanted to hug her, wipe her tears, but he knew she wouldn't appreciate it. Not in that state. Yen hate crying. And she hate it when people see her like that. She hated looking weak in front of people.

Geralt understand. But he always think that it's okay to cry. Crying doesn't mean you're weak. It's okay to be sad. Strong people cry too, at some point. But Yen never forbid anyone to cry, though. She was always the one who comforts Geralt when he was down. Heck, he remembered crying in front of Yennefer once, but Yen didn't scold him. If anything, she comforted him, and she knew what to say to make him feel better. And Ciri, too. How many times had Yennefer wiped Ciri's tears, gave her warm hugs, and whispered comforting words ?

Why wouldn't she let them do the same to her ?

Geralt thought that Yennefer was always too hard on herself.

And why was Yennefer apologizing, just before she walked out ?

If anything, it should be Geralt thanking her for helping them with The Wild Hunt. For saving Ciri. The barrier was really something, though he knew that it cost her a great deal to cast the barrier. If it wasn't for the barrier, everything would be a mess. He wasn't even sure if they would survive. Lambert even said that Yen's barrier was-

Wait. The barrier.

Did Yennefer blamed herself for not being able to hold the barrier ? For Vesemir's death ?

He sighed. Everybody knew that it wasn't her fault. She held it as long as she could, she even passed out for holding the barrier that long. And Vesemir's death was the hunts' doing.

He wanted to go after her. But he knew that when Yen said that she needed to be alone, then she needed to be alone.

But Geralt didn't want her to be alone, he hated leaving Yennefer alone with her thoughts.

Geralt was torn between letting her be or going after her.

After giving it a lot of thought, he decided to wait for her to come home. After all, Yennefer would never let herself to be vulnerable in front of anyone. She grief alone. Geralt hated it. But if in this moment she wanted to let it all out, to be vulnerable, Geralt figured he would grant her that moment.

* * *

The wind was blowing her hair, cooling her damp cheek. She walked towards the lake far below, gripping and tightening her cloak with her hands. It's cold, but she didn't mind.

She was so damn exhausted, drained. But she kept walking.

Her fingers throbbed painfully. After Vilgefortz's torture, her fingers were never healed completely. And really got in the way of spellcasting. A sorceress' fingers was like, witcher's silver sword. She was having a hard time dealing with it. Her fingers throb painfully everytime she casted a spell. Everytime the weather gets cold. And sometimes, she couldn't even grip properly. Things fall from her grip when she's holding something for too long. Like that time when she was carrying a goblet of water with her right hand, drinking while she was reading her grimoire, when suddenly the goblet fall and crashed into the floor. Then there was this one time when she was brushing her hair, when she suddenly lost grip on her hairbrush.

And she couldn't even sew properly. She tried sewing her torn dress, but she gave up eventually. That's why she sew with her magic.

Sometimes she hated herself for not being able to do a simple task. But self-pity got you nowhere, so she picked herself up and got over it. She's Yennefer of Vengerberg, after all.

Her hands were covered in scars, her fingers stiff and crooked. And the scars on her wrists. That's why she never took her gloves off and always wear long sleeves. A sorceress' hands were delicate, but hers are far from delicate, and somehow discomforting to see. Plus, she didn't want anyone, especially strangers have a glimpse of her past.

She reached the tall tree near the lake.

She sat down between the tree and the lake. She leaned her back to the tree. She looked up at the sky, where the stars are shining, forming a constellation. Stargazing helped her to calm down. Back in Vengerberg, when things were too much for her, she would sneak out and find a spot to stargaze.

She closed her eyes, feeling the winds blowing her cheeks, listening to the animals, listening to the sound of wind blowing the water in the lake.

* * *

Ciri was already sitting in the dining room, dinner laid out in front of her. She hadn't eaten much, though. She was slowing her pace, because one person was still missing in the dinner table. She looked at Geralt, who's poking his meal and didn't look like he had much appetite. Lamber, Eskel, Triss, and Zoltan were eating like they haven't eaten for days and almost finished with their meal.

She kept glancing back to the stairs, expecting to see Yennefer walking down the stair and join them. But she never appeared.

She decided to ask Geralt who sat in front of her.

He looked like his head was up far in the cloud, so she kicked his leg underneath the table.

"Geralt, where's Yennefer ?"

He looked at Ciri. He shrugged and said, "She's out."

Out ? That's weird. Yennefer usually spends her time with Geralt and Ciri when Ciri's home. Especially on their daily meals.

"What ? But why ? Where did she go ?"

Geralt averted his gaze and stared back on his unfinished meal. "I don't know. Let her be."

"But I haven't seen her rest or eat since like, yesterday. Is she okay ? How long has she been out ? She passed out this afternoon and you let her walk alone at night ?"

"You think I didn't notice ? About an hour." Geralt's reply was curt and he sounded annoyed. Were they fighting ?

"Are you guys fighting ?"

"No, we aren't. She's taking a walk. Let her be, Ciri. I meant it."

Ciri was staring at Geralt. He's hiding something. But she didn't press. She drained her glass of water in a few gulps and stood up. She's going out to find her mother. She was about to leave when Geralt started talking.

"Where do you think you're going ? Finish your dinner."

"I'm done. I'm going out for a walk."

"No, you're not done. Sit down. Finish everything on your plate. Yennefer asked me to make sure you eat dinner."

"But-"

"Ciri."

"Fine. I'm sure she also told you to _eat, _not play with your meal." She hurriedly finished what was left on her plate while keeping her eyes on Geralt.

Geralt took a few deep breaths and started eating.

* * *

That's chapter 1. Leave a review and tell me what u think ! Constructive criticism is always appreciated.

I'm already working on Ch.2 ! I'm trying to finish it as soon as possible.

See ya !


	2. Chapter 2

Ciri ran to her room as soon as she finished her meal. She put on her leather jacket, took her sword and strapped it on her back. Just in case she ran into some monsters. Or if Yennefer ran into some. Ciri knew that Yennefer was more than capable to protect herself, but still.

She hurried back downstair and was about to step outside when Triss called her. Everybody else had retired to their room.

"Yes ?"

Triss walked to her, both of her hands holding bottles filled with…

Apple juice ?

Triss gave them to Ciri. "Here. She loves apple juice. I made two, one for you, one for her. I mean, I know you're probably going after Yenna, I just thought that, um, I think she would love to have this."

Ciri only stared at her.

"Oh, Ciri, please. Yenna was- is- my friend. I knew her longer than you and geralt did. I saw her leaving that way, she might be heading to the lake. Probably stargazing."

"Really ? How do you know ?"

"She always does that when she's… um, sad. Now go." Triss averted her gaze and turned back to retire to her room.

"Triss ?"

She looked back at Ciri. "Yes ?"

"Thank you. Really. I think she would appreciate it." Ciri gave her one last smile and headed to the lake.

* * *

Yennefer opened her eyes. She looked at the lake. The lake reflected the sky above it. While it's beautiful, it's not real.

Merely an illusion.

She remember Vilgefortz saying "You mistook the stars reflected in the pond for the night sky."

Maybe he was right.

All this time, she was craving, she was longing for a child of her own. To be important to someone. To be with someone who loves her.

To have a family. And to be able to protect them. To keep them safe.

All this time, all of her efforts she did, thinking it would safe them, always ended up hurting them more.

She didn't want to do anymore damage.

And after today, she didn't even know how to look Geralt and Ciri in the eyes.

Then, her hand was on her stomach. She had always wanted to be able to bear a child of her own. But then again, maybe it's better this way, her not being able to carry a child. She didn't want to ruin another life.

She felt miserable. And she hated it. It reminded her of her past, back when she was helpless and useless, with parents that hated her, and eventually, sold her. Apparently, her parents were better off without her.

Would Geralt and Ciri be better off without her ? Maybe things would be different and better had Geralt asked someone else to be Ciri's mentor. Maybe Ciri wouldn't try to run away from Aretuza and she wouldn't be hunted. Or, had Yennefer brought Ciri to Margarita instead, maybe she wouldn't be in this mess.

But… She wouldn't trade her time with Ciri in Ellander with anything. Maybe she was being selfish, but despite everything, despite the mess she created, she still wanted to be with Ciri. And Geralt.

Maybe it's better if she leave instead. Their safety is her priority. She couldn't leave just yet, though. She was still needed to help Ciri, she still needed to find Philippa and Rita.

Maybe it would be best to leave after all of this is finished. She wouldn't fail them anymore. She would keep them safe until the end. Vesemir's death would be her last failure. He wouldn't let his sacrifice for nothing.

It would be difficult for her to leave Geralt and Ciri. But if that means keeping them safe, then she would do it. For them.

For her family.

She closed her eyes and let the tears fall.

* * *

Ciri didn't know how long she has been walking. The lake was further than she thought it was. What was her mother thinking, walking this far alone at night ? Wasn't she tired ? What if she passed out in the middle of the road ?

Ciri hadn't talked much to Yennefer after they reunion in Kaer Morhen. She actually felt guilty for not catching up with her. And Ciri didn't speak with her after Vesemir's death.

And she didn't know what to say when she see her.

Triss said that Yennefer usually stargaze when felt sad. But was she ? Was she sad ? Why ? Was it because of her ? Was it Geralt ?

Triss also gave her apple juices. Ciri didn't know that Yennefer loves apple juice. Damn, she felt like a horrible daughter for not knowing such a simple thing as her mom's favorite juice. How long has it been since Ciri's consider her as her mom ? She really needed to pay more attention.

What else didn't she know about Yennefer ?

She's getting thirsty from all the walking and thinking, so she uncorked one of the bottles and took a few gulps of her apple juice.

_'Delicious. No wonder she likes it.'_

She was about to wipe her mouth with sleeve, then remembered that Yennefer would scold her for doing that.

She licked her lips instead.

Then, she began to see the lake.

_'Yes, I think that's the lake Triss was referring to. But where is Yennefer ? I couldn't spot her from here.'_

She walked closer and closer. Until she's a few steps before the lake. She looked at her surrounding. Yennefer was tall, so she shouldn't be hard to see.

Then, she started to look for tracks.

_'There ! I can see faint footsteps leading to that tree over there.'_

She followed the tracks until she reached a huge, tall tree facing the lake.

She saw her mother, sitting against the tree, facing the lake. She looked like she was sleeping, but when she saw closer, her face was damp with tears.

Ciri's heart broke.

What happened ? She'd never seen her cry. She'd always looked so tough.. Almost invincible, even.

But now..

Now that she looked at her, she looked thin, and tired.

Ciri didn't know what to do. So she just stood there, staring at her mom's face for a good minute. And it was really weird that her mother didn't detect her presence. Must be because she was way deep in her thoughts.

Then, Ciri got down on her feet and wiped Yennefer's tears. Gently, carefully not to startle her too much.

"Mother ?"

Yennefer's eyes snapped open and she gasped in surprise. Ciri's hand was still touching Yennefer's cheek, and Ciri gazed into Yen's violet eyes.

"Ciri !"

"What's wrong ?"

Yennefer took Ciri's hand from her cheek. Ciri felt her mom's hand trembling slightly. "I'm fine. What are you doing here ? It's late, you're supposed to be resting."

Ciri hated it when Yennefer said 'I'm fine' when she clearly isn't.

"You're one to talk. If anything, you were the one who's supposed to rest. You passed out, remember ? And you haven't been eating ! You're trembling too."

Yennefer smiled. "Well, technically, I am resting."

Ciri rolled her eyes. She sat down beside her mother.

Then silence. Then Ciri remembered the apple juice.

"Oh yeah, here, Triss said you love this. It's apple juice. She made it for you. Well, us, since she also made one for me." Ciri uncorked the bottle and gave it to her.

"She did ? Well, I'll be sure to thank her when I get back." Yennefer smiled as she drank the apple juice.

"Yeah. Make sure you drink it all, you need to get something in your system. I'll make you something to eat when we get back."

"I'm fine. You need to go back, though."

"Excuse me, I just got here, and I have been walking quite far so I need to catch my breath you know. Besides, I was looking for you. I didn't come here just to deliver the apple juice, you know." Ciri huffed and leaned her back on the tree. "I was worried."

Yennefer turned her head and looked at Ciri. Then Ciri felt Yennefer shifted and hugged her.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you worried."

"Why are you out here ? I was waiting in the dinning room but you didn't show up."

"If it makes you feel better, I will eat when we get back."

"You didn't answer my question."

Yennefer shrugged. "I guess I just feel like taking a walk. And stargazing."

"Why are you sad ?"

"What ?" Yennefer looked confused.

"Triss said you used to do that when you're sad. Stargazing."

_'Damn you Triss. Friggin blabbermouth !' _Yennefer thought.

"… Well ?" Ciri asked when Yennefer didn't answer. "Remember our promise years ago ? Be honest with each other."

Yennefer sighed. Now she looked annoyed. "I don't want to talk about it now, Ciri."

"I thought we're supposed to be honest with each other."

"I am being honest."

_Stubborn._

"… Was it me ?" Ciri asked.

Yennefer looked at her, frowning. "What ? Why would it be you ?"

Ciri kept silent. She stared at the lake in front of her. "The hunts were hunting me. I put my family in danger. Vesemir's death… Were you hurt, Mummy ?"

"Ciri. Listen, it's not your fault. We chose to do this. And Vesemir.. Live for him, Ciri. Don't blame yourself for his death. Live for him. Honor his sacrifice." Yennefer wiped Ciri's tears. She didn't realize she was crying.

"I know. It's just.. It hurts.." Ciri turned around and put her head on Yennefer's shoulders and her hands on Yennefer's waist. She cried.

She felt Yennefer hugging her. Brushing the her hair with her gloved hand. "I know. I know it does. My daughter." She felt Yennefer kiss the top of her head. "You're okay. We'll get through it. We always do."

She sniffled and wiped her tears with her hand. "Thank you, Mother."

Yennefer didn't answer. She looked troubled. Then she said, "Ciri.. I'm sorry. I really am."

Ciri was surprised. Why would she apologize ?

As if reading her mind, Yennefer answered. "For letting the barriers fall. For not being strong enough. For constantly putting you in danger.".. She paused, taking a deep breath. ".. and for not being a good mother."

Ciri didn't understand. To say that Ciri was surprised to hear Yennefer talk like that is an understatement.

"What are you talking about ? if anything, I should be the one thanking you. The barriers were hardly your fault, Mother. If it's not for you, I think Kaer Morhen would be a mess right now. And I don't think any of us would survive. You saved our life. The barriers must have required enormous amount of energy to cast, it was a wonder you were able to hold it that long."

Yennefer shook her head.

"Mother, it's not just about the barriers, isn't it ? What's wrong ?"

Yennefer stood up. "Come on, Ciri, let's go back. It's getting late. Pretty sure Geralt is getting worried."

Ciri pulled Yennefer's hand. "No, please sit down and talk to me." Ciri didn't let go of her hand. "You always keep things bottled up inside. It's not healthy, you know."

"I'll talk when I want to. Now, come on, you promised to cook me dinner." Yennefer tried to pull her hand away, but Ciri didn't let go. She squeezed Yen's hand, pulling her to sit down. Yennefer flinched.

Is her hand hurt ?

"Is your hand okay ?" Still didn't let go of her hand, but Ciri loosen her grip.

"Yes it is, Ciri. It's getting cold, let's go back, please ?"

Ciri wasn't convinced. She took off Yennefer's glove with her other hand.

Ciri's jaw dropped. Yennefer's hand was covered in scars and her fingers…

Ciri's heart broke for the second time.

"Mother ! What happened ? Who did this ?"

Yennefer pulled her hand. This time, Ciri let her.

"The glove, please."

"No ! Not until you tell me what happened !"

Yennefer sighed. She cradled her head between her hands.

"Ciri, please, I'm too tired for this. May I have my glove back, please ?"

"You may. After we talk."

"Fine, then you can keep it. Would you like the other glove as well ?"

"Mother. Please."

"Ciri, I'm going back." Yennefer stood up and started walking.

_Ugh. Why is her mom so stubborn ?_

"Are you going to leave me here, Yennefer ? I came out here looking for you, and you're leaving me here, alone ?"

Yennefer stopped walking.

_'Ha ! It's working'._ Ciri thought.

"Are you going to let me starve to death ? Can't you see how exhausted I am ? And I skipped dinner, remember ? You promised to cook me dinner. Now come on, stand up before I have to drag your ass here."

_'Well, damn. Can never win with Yennefer'. _Ciri sighed and stood up.

"Fine."

She walked beside Yennefer and took her bare, scarred hand, holding it gently.

Ciri felt Yennefer tensed. She didn't want Yennefer to pull away.

Yennefer didn't.

They walked hand in hand, back to Kaer Morhen.


	3. Chapter 3

Yennefer felt embarrassed.

She had never wanted Ciri to see her when she's feeling weak. Or miserable.

She didn't expect Ciri to go after her. She didn't expect Ciri to see her damp cheek. And she absolutely didn't expect CIri to took her glove off of her left hand.

_'Damn'._

She didn't feel like explaining, either. She knew Ciri would blame herself if Yennefer told her, and she didn't want that. Yennefer made her decision in Stygga Castle, and that's that. She knew the risk. And she's willing to live with it. But she didn't want Ciri to find out. That's why she always wear the gloves. She didn't want Ciri to see it. She didn't want anyone to see it.

Yennefer sighed.

They were still walking hand-in-hand, heading back towards Kaer Morhen. This would be a long walk. Ciri would ask her many questions, just like back when they were in Ellander.

She didn't mind back then.

But for now… She didn't know if she would be able to answer all the questions Ciri would throw at her. The times spent with Ciri was never a quiet one. And Ciri can be really persistent when she wanted to be. And right now, talking about her feelings was the last thing she wanted to do.

Yennefer sighed.

But at least she got to spend some time with Ciri, just the two of them. She always loved the time they spent together.

Ciri looked at her, still holding her left hand. It actually felt nice to be able to hold her daughter's hand without her glove. It felt.. warm. She liked it.

"Mother ?"

_'Here we go.' _Yennefer thought.

"Yes, Ciri ?"

"Does it still hurt ? Your hand, I mean.. And, um, what about the other hand ?"

Yennefer gave Ciri's hand a squeeze. "Don't worry about it, Ciri."

"You didn't answer my question. Can you please be honest ? I can't believe I've never noticed it. I'm sorry. Mama, I'm sorry I didn't notice sooner. I should've known something was wrong because you've never taken your gloves off. You had never wear those back in Ellander. I feel like a bad daughter, I should've-"

Ciri sobbed.

Yennefer stopped walking and embraced her. "Hey, no, don't apologize. You have nothing to apologize for, okay ? You didn't notice because I didn't want you to. And please, don't ever think you're a bad daughter. If anything, you're my biggest blessing." Ciri was still holding her bare left hand after they broke the hug.

Yennefer kissed Ciri's forehead and wiped her tears with her right hand. "Now, I think that's enough tears for today, yes ?"

Ciri sniffled. "You still didn't answer my question."

Yennefer sighed.

"Stop sighing. If you keep sighing then I'm gonna start crying again, just to annoy you."

"Fine. It hurts sometimes."

"What about the other hand ?"

"That too."

Ciri didn't say anything. Yennefer felt Ciri's thumb caressing her left hand.

Then, Ciri said, "When ?"

"When what ?"

"When does it hurt ? You said that it hurts sometimes."

"Sometimes."

"Mother."

"Ciri."

Ciri just stared at Yennefer. She stared back.

"Fine, I'll just ask Geralt when we reached Kaer Morhen."

"Don't."

"Do."

"Ciri."

"Yennefer."

"Must you be so stubborn ? I swear I never taught you-"

"Please. You're stubborn. I got it from you. So, spare me the lecture."

Silence.

"Well ?" Ciri pushed.

Yennefer took a deep breath. Then Ciri said, "Don't sigh, I'm warning you. Or else, you're gonna hear me wailing and crying and-"

"Yes, Ciri I get it. If you want me to answer that, then promise me something."

"What ?"

"First, whatever happened tonight, stays between us. Second, stop asking me about my hand or anything about tonight when we reached Kaer Morhen."

Ciri didn't say anything at first. Then, Yennefer heard Ciri's sigh. "Fine."

Then Ciri's pace slowed.

Yennefer didn't want to do this. She resisted the urge to sigh.

"It throbs when I'm casting a spell. Or when the weather is cold. Or when I grip something too hard or too long."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

"Why did you never say anything ?"

"What for ? I'm doing just fine. A little pain is nothing, I'm a sorceress."

"Sometimes, I wish you'd stop doing that."

"Doing what ?"

"Saying you're fine when you're not. Nobody's gonna judge you if you aren't feeling well." Ciri paused. "And you don't have to be strong all the time, Mother. We're family. You don't have to wear your armor when you're with me or Geralt."

Yennefer didn't say anything. The reason she always keep her guards up was because she didn't want to feel like a helpless girl she used to be, back when she had a hunchback, that not even her parents wanted her. She was casted away.

She didn't know who she was beneath her armor. And she didn't want to find out.

She was afraid.

* * *

They were still holding hand, Ciri was glad that Yennefer didn't pull away.

Ciri wondered if she's being too pushy. But then again, it's her chance. Yennefer made it clear that she didn't want to talk about any of this when they reached Kaer Morhen. And Ciri thought that she might understand why. On the other hand, Yennefer answered most of her questions, so that's a start. That means her mother was starting to open up with her.

So she might as well say everything she's been wanting to say.

She could feel that Yennefer was getting uncomfortable with all her questions.

All she wanted was to know what's been bothering her. Then, maybe she could do something to make her feel better. That's all she wanted. For Yennefer to feel better.

Yennefer always had a way to make Ciri's better whenever she was sad. Countless time. Ciri would love to do the same to her mother. But she never got the chance. Now might be a her only chance.

"So, did you feel better after stargazing ?"

"Not really. I didn't come there to feel better. I came there to think."

"Care to share it ?"

"No."

"Not fair. I always tell you what's on my mind, especially when you asked."

"Life isn't fair."

"Wow, then whatever is bothering you must be really bad, since you're being so dismissive. Also, you promised me to answer my questions, remember ?"

"I promised to answer your question about my hands."

"What ? But it was meant for every questions I'm about to ask until we reached Kaer Morhen !"

"Well, too bad then. You should've been more clearer."

"Why are you being so mean ?"

"Why are you being so pushy ?"

"I wouldn't, if you just answer my question."

"And I wouldn't be so mean if you weren't so pushy."

Ciri groaned. "This is getting nowhere."

"It isn't."

"Fine, then. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you mad. Or feeling worse. I just… I wanna make you feel better. But I didn't know how because I don't even know what's bothering you. I'll stop asking questions if you want me to. I know it's been a tiring day for you by the looks of it, all of my questions is making you even more tired. I'm sorry."

Yennefer shook her head. "No, Ciri I'm sorry. I wasn't mad. I think my exhaustion made me sound mad. I'm sorry." She put her free hand on her temple. Ciri wondered if Yennefer was having a headache. That would explain her curt answers.

Ciri shrugged. "It's okay."

Then she heard Yennefer said, "Walking with you made me feel better, though."

"Really ?" Ciri beamed.

"Really. Spending time with you always make me feel better. Always." Yennefer smiled at her.

Ciri smiled back.

If spending time with Ciri made Yennefer feel better, then, maybe she doesn't need to bombard her mom with questions. Then maybe, even walking in silence would made her feel better too.

Besides, she didn't want to ruin Yennefer's mood any further, since it was clear she was already in a really bad mood. Ciri would need to seek Geralt's help to figure out what's been bothering her mom.

But then again, Ciri had never liked silence. She was always the talkative one between them. Even when they were in Ellander-

Wait. Back in Ellander, Ciri always speaks her mind. And say what she's feeling, even when nobody asked her. And back in Ellander, it was when Ciri and Yennefer's relationship felt closer than ever.

Well, if Yennefer didn't want to tell what's been bothering her, then she won't push it. At least not now. She'll just be honest with her and tell her what she's been wanting to tell her but haven't got a chance to. And right now, she wanted to tell her grateful she is to have Yennefer as her mother.

* * *

Kaer Morhen's gate was just a few feet away from them. Finally. She'd really like a quick bath and lay in her bed as soon as possible.

Then, she felt Ciri gently squeezing her left hand. She looked at Ciri.

Both of them had stopped walking. She looked Yennefer in the eyes.

Then, she lilfted Yennefer's hand to her mouth.

She kissed Yennefer's left hand.

"Before we reached Kaer Morhen, which is just a few feet away, I'd like to tell you something. Something I have been wanting to say, and I think it's the perfect moment to say it. And please don't interrupt me when I speak, because, you know, it's rude to do so."

Ciri took a deep breath and started speaking.

"Mother, do you know that I really love your hand ? It might sound stupid but I love it. These hands-" She took Yennefer's right hand, so she was holding both of Yennefer's hands. "-are the hands that wiped my tears. These hands taught me how to survive. These hands caressed my head countless times, and I love it every time you do that. These hands give me warm hugs everytime I need it. And I'm certain that I'm not the only one who think that way. Geralt would totally agree with me."

Then, she lifted Yennefer's left hand, the bare one, to her cheek and leaned into it.

"So, you see, Mother, these hands bring warmth, love, tender caress.. and saved our lives. Many times." She took a deep breath. "And… and I realized I have never thanked you properly for that."

Yennefer was surprised. She didn't know why, tho. Maybe it was because nobody has ever made feel that way. Nobody ever said those things to her. And she had never thought that way about herself, either.

Whenever she looked at her bare, scarred hands, and her crooked fingers, she felt sick. Not because it looks ugly, but because it reminded her of the torture back in Stygga Castle. It reminded her of one of her worst traumatizing experiences.

It brought back painful memories.

Any talks regarding her hand was a sensitive one. She never spoke to anyone about it. Geralt tried to talk about it. But she always dismissed it. Geralt never pried. And Yennefer appreciated that.

To hear Ciri said that to her… It's touching beyond words.

Then Ciri moved forward, closing the distance between the two of them, embracing her in a tight hug.

Yennefer immediately returned the hug just as tightly.

"Thank you. For teaching me so many things back when we were in Ellander. For being my mentor. For being patient because I know I can be really difficult to deal with. For being my first real friend. For chasing my nightmare away. For teaching and showing me how to survive." Ciri sniffled. "Thank you for being there for me. For giving me comfort when I need it."

Ciri took a deep breath. Yennefer felt Ciri's hug tightening. "And thank you for never giving up on me." Ciri's voice started quivering. "Thank you for being my mother. I couldn't ask for a better mother. I love you, Mother. And I am proud to be your daughter."

Yennefer was trying so hard to keep her tears from falling. She didn't really know how to respond. This was the first time someone said that. The first time someone made her feel…

Important. And Appreciated.

And to hear Ciri said that she was proud to be her daughter made her heart twist. In a good way.

"Thank you for always giving me a shoulder to cry on. For letting me be vulnerable around you. I just wished that…" Ciri wiped her tears with her hand. "…that you'd let me do the same for you. You're always so guarded, sometimes I had no idea what's really bothering you and I hated it. I know you don't want to appear weak, but I never see you as one. I always see you as the strongest woman I've ever known, and nothing's gonna change that. It's okay to cry, it's okay to feel sad, and it's okay to share your burden, right ? I share my problems with you and Geralt, sometimes even more than I want to." Ciri took a deep breath. "You're always so hard on yourself and blame yourself for things that you have no control of. Stop hurting yourself. I know I can't erase your pain or make your problems go away. I just wish that.. I just wish that at least, you'd let me ease your pain, let me be your shoulder to cry on, like you do so many times to me."

Then, Ciri let go of their embrace, her right hand immediately taking Yennefer's left hand. But Ciri was averting her gaze. Then, Ciri's expression changed. She looked somehow.. frustrated ?

"And I really hate seeing you holding back your tears. I mean, there's nobody out here but us. You can cry, scream, or.. or blast those tree with your magic. Anything that might help you feel better. You don't have to be ashamed with me ! I thought we're family. Family are supposed to comfort each other ! But I can't do that if you keep hiding things from me ! Do you really wanna go back to Kaer Morhen with that face ? I mean, you look like shit. I know you had been crying back at the lake but you stopped when you saw me. I'm sorry I interrupted your moment of solitude, but I didn't want you to grief alone. You're allowed to be vulnerable once in a while, especially with your family. And I am your family."

Truth is, Yennefer didn't really know how to be vulnerable. All her life, her experiences, had taught her to be strong. To be tough. To never let her defense down. Those things were needed for in order to survive.

But nothing, and nobody had taught her to be vulnerable.

Yennefer covered her mouth, trying to keep her voice steady. "I don't.. I don't know how, Ciri. I'm sorry."

Ciri's expression became unreadable after she said that. She couldn't quite tell what Ciri's feeling by her expression. It looked somehow.. pained ? She didn't understand. She had thought that Ciri would be frustrated at her.

Then by Yennefer's surprise, Ciri embraced her. Then, Ciri spoke softly, almost whispering near her ear. "Let it out, Mother. All the grief you're feeling inside, every things that's been hurting you, cry it out. I'm here, I've got you." She could feel Ciri's hand caressing the back of her head.

Those feelings that she had been holding back for so long were now resurfaced. She wrapped her trembling hands around Ciri's body, clutching the fabric of her clothes tightly.

Then, Yennefer did something she had never done in years.

She cried.

* * *

This chapter was really hard for me to write.

Tell me what you think about this chapter ! Feedbacks and constructive criticisms are greatly appreciated !

See you later !


	4. Chapter 4

Geralt was getting restless.

He was so tempted to go and find Yen, but he didn't want to interrupt her moment of solitude. Yen's the type who grief alone, and need some time alone to clear her head. He figured he would console her after she's back.

But then, he had found out that Ciri was gone. No doubt going after Yen. Right after he told her to let Yen be.

_'That brat.'_

But then again, maybe Ciri would have a better luck with Yen. After all, Yen always has a soft spot for Ciri.

Geralt definitely hoped so.

After dinner, Geralt took a bath and changed into clean clothes, he even smelled nice. Then, he absolutely had nothing to do and he got restless.

He was walking towards Kaer Morhen's gate. He figured out he would wait for them by the gate. He was about to reach the gate when he heard voices. It sounded like sobs.

By instinct, he ran, thinking that one or both of them might be in danger, or worse, wounded.

Then- the sight in front of him made him stop.

A few feet away from the gate, Yen and Ciri, both on knees, hugging each other. Yen had her face buried on the crook of Ciri's neck, sobbing. Ciri, one hand wrapped around Yen's back, and the other hand caressing the back of Yen's head.

… It was quite a sight. He just froze there from afar, not knowing what to do. He had never seen Yen like that. That was a first.

Yen was always seemed so tough, sometimes scary. This is the first time he saw her so..

Vulnerable.

… It's a good thing, right ? Being able to be vulnerable with someone means she's starting to feel comfortable opening up with that person. She's willing to let her guards down, to admit that she's not feeling fine, to spill her soul.

It means she's starting to let people in. No longer keeping them at arm's length.

Knowing her, it wouldn't be easy. Geralt imagined all the efforts Ciri did to be able to crack Yen's defense.

Geralt felt proud. Joy. Relieved.

Relieved for the fact that maybe, Yen realized that she wouldn't have to act so tough all the time. At least not with Ciri. And him.

Geralt decided that this sight in front of him, might be his favorite view.

Yen letting herself being vulnerable, slowly letting her defense down. Ciri, comforting her, being someone to lean on. How the roles were reversed.

Mother and daughter.

Geralt smiled.

He didn't want to interrupt. He figured he would give them some more time, all the time in the world if he could.

He took a step back and turned around. He walked back inside.

* * *

Geralt was sitting in the dining room, drinking a glass of water while waiting for them to come back. It took them quite some time, but they finally entered Kaer Morhen.

"Hey there, took you long enough. Everything okay ?" Geralt greeted them when they walked in. He quickly approached them and hugged them both. They hugged him back.

"Fine. I'm going to take a quick bath. I desperately need it." Yen answered as she walked towards the stairs.

"Be quick and come downstairs right after that. I'm going to make something to eat for you !" Ciri half-shouted to Yennefer. Geralt heard Yennefer's muttering 'yeah, yeah.'. Then Ciri pulled his hand towards the kitchen. "Geralt, you're helping me."

"… I am ?"

"Yes, you are. What do you have in mind ?"

"You do know that I'm quite useless at cooking, right ? I'm pretty sure you aren't much better than I am."

"I know ! It's like, the blind leading the blind but I promised her I would make her something to eat. Plus, I knew that you made her an omelette once. You can cook the same thing."

"And what will you cook ?"

"Um… I was thinking roasted duck, she likes it, right ? But the only thing I know is how to roast the thing. And I have no idea what the ingredients are besides the duck. So… I think I'll make toasted bread ? It goes well with omelette, right ?"

"… You're hopeless."

"Shut up. Start cooking. Don't burn the omelette. I'm going to find the bread." Ciri said as she began searching the cupboard.

Geralt shook his head.

He started gathering the ingredients for his grand-omelette.

"So, what did you guys talk about ?"

"Nothing much, honestly. She wouldn't tell me what's been bugging her. She apologized for not being able to hold the barrier. I told her it's not her fault. But I'm pretty sure it was more than that."

"Hmmm.." Geralt started cutting the ingredients. Mushrooms. Onions. Peppers. Just like the last time.

"It makes no sense if she blamed herself for Vesemir's death. The hunts were after me. If anything, it should've been MY fault-"

"Stop. You both have a habit of blaming yourself for things that you have no control of. People die. Vesemir made his choice. Bad things happen. It's war. There will always be casualties whether you like it or not. I'm sad that we lost him too. He's my mentor, but there's nothing we can do except to move forward and do better."

"Yeah.. I know.. I mean, it's hard, but I'm trying, I really am."

"Death can be hard. But blaming yourself will get you nowhere. The only thing you can do for him is to live. Don't make him die for nothing. Honor him. Make him proud."

"Yeah. Yennefer said the same thing. I promise I will."

"Good. And if something is bothering you, talk it out. With me. Yen. Or anyone you're comfortable with."

"… Okay."

"Good.."

"Toasted bread's done. Look, I made two." Ciri put the breads on the plate. "Should I make some tea ?"

"Sure. Make 3."

"On it."

He finished cutting the ingredients. Now, to fry them-

Wait. He forgot the eggs. _'Idiot.' _

He went to grab the egg.

He cracked the egg, put it in the bowl, added the mushrooms, peppers, and onions. Then he began mixing them. He was about to fry the eggs when Ciri said, "Shouldn't you add some salts ?"

"… I should ?"

"Wouldn't it taste somehow bland if you don't ?"

"Really ? I didn't add any salt before. She didn't complaint."

"Ew. I'm pretty sure she was just being nice."

"… damn. How much should I..?"

"… You're asking me ?"

"Well… I'll just.. add _this _much." He added some salt on the eggs and began frying.

Ciri laughed at him.

"Geralt, should I add some sugar for the tea ?"

"You should if you like it sweet. Make it sweet for me. As for Yen, I've never seen her put sugar on her tea. Maybe put a little honey instead."

"Roger that. Don't burn the omelette."

"I won't. I'm starting to feel like a pro-chef."

Ciri rolled her eyes. After a few minutes, Ciri spoke. "The grand-teas are ready !"

"Nice. The grand-omelette is ready too." Geralt put the omelette on the plate along with the toasted bread. "Hm. Looks good. We did a good job."

Ciri put the cups of tea and the plate on the tray. "Yep. Wait, before we bring this to the table, can I ask you something ?"

Geralt looked at her. "Sure."

Ciri looked troubled. ".. Mother's hands.. When did it happened ? Was it back in Stygga Castle where she was held a prisoner trying to save me ? "

That was unexpected. Geralt wasn't sure if he should tell her. If Yen didn't tell her, then she didn't want Ciri to know. And Geralt understood why.

So, Geralt just shook his head. "It's not my place to tell, Ciri. Yen never likes it when I talked about her hands. Maybe we should respect that."

Ciri didn't say anything. Then, she nodded.

Geralt didn't know what to do. He was never really good at talking.

When you care for someone, getting hurt is inevitable. One way or another, you or that person you care about, will get hurt, no matter how hard you try not to. Sometimes, you get hurt because they made a mistake, or sometimes, they got hurt because you made a mistake, or because you chose to spare them further damage. Take sacrifice, for example. You're willing to sacrifice yourself to save those you care about. You got hurt, they're safe. But that doesn't mean that they don't feel pain because someone they care about got hurt because of them.

Geralt realized that sometimes, people do crazy things, even when they knew that the risk would be.. difficult to live with. The thing that makes them strong to endure the risk, is the love they feel for the people they cherish. The will to see them smiling, laughing in the better days. The will to keep them safe. The fear of losing them.

Geralt thought of Yennefer. About how she risked her life so many times, just to make sure that Ciri and Geralt were safe. About how she always seems to be happier when Geralt and Ciri were around. About how Yennefer's eyes seemed to light up whenever she talked about Ciri, about how she had grown up to be a beautiful woman or about the times they spent together back in Ellander. Now that he thought about it, Geralt felt the same too. Maybe, after all, it doesn't take much to heal. To be better. To be happy. Simply by spending times with those you love. To be there for each other.

Geralt stepped forward and embraced Ciri. "You know what, you and Yen are the same. You blame yourself for things that people do even though it's their choices. People knew the risks when they choose to do something. The only thing you can do for them, is to be there for them. Especially when they need it."

* * *

Yennefer felt clean. Well, she would've stayed in the tub longer if Ciri and Geralt weren't waiting for her downstair. She didn't want to keep them waiting. She put on her nightgown, combed her hair, and headed out to the dining room.

Geralt and Ciri were already seated across each other. Ciri saved her the seat between Geralt's and Ciri's.

Dinner was unexpectedly eventful. The meal was delicious, the omelette was surprisingly taste better than the one Geralt made the other day. Ciri told her there would be a high chance that Yen would have another bland omelette if Ciri didn't tell Geralt to add salt on it.

The three of them were talking and laughing. Then, Ciri was telling her about that time when she beat Geralt in snowball fight. And that time where Ciri tried to teach Geralt to ice-skate and how Geralt kept falling on his butt, even managed to crack the ice beneath him once. Then, Geralt was telling her about the time where Ciri got jealous over Geralt's Yennefer gwent card, how many times she made Geralt wager that card, and bragged about how he won each round. Ciri stuck her tongue. Yennefer laughed.

They kept talking, exchanging stories, bantering, until Yennefer managed to finish her meal. It was nice to be able to talk and laugh with them after such a stressful day. And this was a rare moment for the three of them to be able to spend some together, aside from fighting enemies. Just talking, having fun, and enjoying each other's company. It kept her mind from her problems for a while, and gave her a feeling of contentment for a while. And she was grateful for it.

Yennefer realized that she had never felt lighter in days.

* * *

The three of them were about to retire to their rooms. Ciri hugged them both and said goodnight, kissed Yennefer's hand, and went back to her room. Geralt noticed that Ciri kissing Yen's hand was new.

_'Hmm, I wonder what happened.'_

Bu he decided to swallow his curiosity.

Doesn't mean he's done with Yennefer, though. Now that Yen looked like she's in a better mood, he's determined to make her talk.

"So.. How are you feeling ?" Geralt asked her as they entered their chamber.

"Better, I guess.. Thank you."

Yennefer walked towards the windows.

Geralt embraced her from behind. Yennefer's hands lay on top of Geralt's.

Geralt had always knew that Yen doesn't talk about her problem much. And she hated it when people pry.

"Hmmm. Alright then. Anyway-" Geralt put his chin on top of Yen's head. "-there's something I wanna talk about."

"Oh ? About what ? Is everything okay ?"

"Not everything.. I'm worried about something."

"About ?"

"You."

Yennefer chuckled. "Don't be. I-"

"I know you're strong. I never doubt that. And you alone are more than capable to face your own problems, your own demons. But I still worry about you."

"Try not to worry too much."

"Hmmm.. That's impossible. Something is troubling you."

"Something is always troubling me."

"But something more today than usual. Is it about Ciri ?"

He felt her tensed. "What makes you said that ?" Yennefer asked, curiosity clear in her voice.

"Because I know you, Yen."

Yennefer stayed silent. Then, she spoke. "I realized that I keep making mistakes. Always ended up hurting her."

"How so ?"

Yennefer sighed. She looked like she was in a deep thought for a while. Geralt waited patiently.

"..She ran away from me when we were going to Aretuza. Then, remember the coup in Thanedd ? I was the one who got her involved. Then left her alone, I knew she was afraid. And upset. But I-" Yennefer shook her head. "I didn't have a choice. I shouldn't have done that in the first place. Then maybe, she would be safe and she wouldn't have that scar on her face. And-" He heard Yennefer sighing. "The barrier. Vesemir.. I heard Ciri's scream. It was painful. To think that I let that happen.. I'm- I'm sorry. I know he was your mentor.. A father figure, even."

Yennefer closed her eyes. Then Geralt heard another sigh.

"I just.. I didn't want to cause anymore pain for you and Ciri. I tried to be a good mother, for her. Guess I couldn't."

..So, that's what troubling her. Geralt knew that her Yen was often too hard on herself. But he never thought that she doubt herself for being a good mother.

Many people seemed to think that Yennefer was selfish. Harsh. Unfaithful. But that's because many people only saw her on the outside. Geralt knew that's what she wanted people to see her as. But for those who knew Yen well, like Geralt and Ciri.. Yen was never selfish, harsh, or unfaithful. His Yen, Ciri's mother, was always full of love, kind, gentle, and selfless. And courageous. God knows how many times she put her neck on the line to save the one she loves.

Still embracing her from behind, he leaned down a bit and placed a long, gentle kiss on her cheek.

"Yen. I've seen many bad mothers out there. There are mothers who beat her children up. There are mothers who neglect her children. There are mothers who sell her children for money. There are mothers who don't give a shit about her children. Many more- but you're never one of them, Yen."

Geralt paused for a second, waiting for Yennefer's response. When he got none, he continued.

"Fine, then you made some mistakes in the past. But it's normal, Yen. People made mistake. I made a lot of mistakes. And we certainly will make another mistake in the future, making mistake is inevitable. But what matters is what we do to make up for our mistakes, right ? It's what we've been doing all this time, it's what you've been doing. You didn't give up on her."

Yennefer didn't answer. Geralt wished he could read her mind.

"You are a good mother. You taught her a lot of things. You taught her well. If you're a bad mother, Ciri wouldn't even call you 'Mother' in the first place. Ciri loves you. And you love her. Please don't ever doubt that."

Yennefer smiled. "Well, if you say so. Thank you, Geralt. You always know how to make me feel better."

"Because that's what I do."

Geralt closed his eyes, enjoying the feel of Yennefer's warmth, inhaling the scent that has become his favorite scent over the years, lilac and gooseberries. He felt peaceful. Relaxed. Safe.

He wondered if he and Yen would be able to have more times like this. Just the two of them enjoying each other companies, holding each other, having a heart-to-heart conversation. He imagined him and Yennefer sitting, leaning to each other, apple juice in her hand and coffee in his, watching the sun set near the beach, then taking a long way home, walking hand-in-hand, and talking about some silly things. Geralt thought about how much better it would be if they finally tie the knot after all of this mess is over.

He suddenly thought that retirement seemed so appealing.

"I love you, Yen."

Yennefer smiled. "And I love you, Geralt."

* * *

"Geralt.. After we're done with all of this.. What do you want to do ?"

"Hmmm.." Geralt paused. "I have some things in mind. Like, spending more times with you. What about you ?"

Yennefer chuckled, nudging him lightly on his stomach. "..I've always wanted to settle down. Get away from all of this. With you and Ciri, if possible." … "But I don't know, somehow it sounds too good to be true."

"Who knows. Maybe for once, fate will be kind to us."

* * *

Hey guys. Here's chapter 4. I know it wasn't that good, but I'm trying to lighten the plot. And it was somehow difficult to write the Geralt & Yennefer scene, because, you know, Yennefer does not really talk about her issues, even in the books. I do hope that you like it, though.

So ! I decided to make this the last chapter. This story was meant to be a long one-shot before I decided to make it into multiple chapter. I'm not sure what else to do since this takes place in the middle of the game.

But who knows, I might write another story involving Geralt-Yen-Ciri (my favorite trio ahahha).

Thank you so much for all the kudos and kind reviews. I'm so happy that there are people who are interested in my story, even though it's not that good. This is my first work in AO3, and I was really surprised with all the feedbacks I got. So, once again, Thank You ! Love you all and have a good day !


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